The Darkness of Doubt

Darkness. Utter darkness. The anguish of a completely unsettled spirit compunded by the weighty shame of unwillingly facing doubt. I hadn’t chosen this. I’ve had other friends who walked into doubt over the faith because of deep-rooted sin in their lives that they just didn’t want to let go of. This wasn’t that. This had surprised me. And over the long year that destroyed so much of my soul, blasted my confidence in the strength of my faith, and left me shaken, with a spiritual limp, I didn’t know how to pull myself out of it. Like trying to hold onto sand and watching it run through your fingers, so felt my faith as I wrestled alone in the dark.

I want to share here periodically about the subject of doubt, mainly because it is something close to my heart. However, I also feel the need for it, as it is something that is often swept under the carpet and leaves those facing genuine doubt with a burden of shame. Sometimes those who have not faced it see doubt as sinful. Sometimes we just don’t know what to say. And more often than not, those facing genuine doubt feel so embarrassed that they suffer silently.

So first of all, if that is you today, then know that there is nothing to be ashamed of. The Scriptures are replete with examples of those who doubted. John the Baptist, of whom Jesus said that there is none greater born among women than he, doubted. If that’s the calibre of the man in Jesus’ sight, and he doubted, then I do not stand in untrod territory among the saints of God. Furthermore, we hear God’s heart toward those who are doubting in Jude 22:

“And have mercy on those who doubt.”

– Jude 22

Not “get yourself together”, not “snap out of it”, not “just have more faith”. There is no stick in the hand of our Father. He has mercy on those who doubt, and deals gently with them.

Secondly, it is freeing to confess our doubt to friends who can pray for us and tell us again the story that we need to hear, remind us of the light in the middle of the darkness – something I did not do. My shame over my doubts meant I told nobody, and suffered certain things unneccesarily because of it. For those doubting, speak to others. For those who aren’t, make yourself open to others, that they can speak freely in your presence.

Thirdly, there are many reasons that doubt creeps in, many forms it takes. Not everyone will doubt the same things. But, nonetheless, in my experience there are two categories of doubt. One is genuine doubt in the lives of those who are serious about following Jesus. Whether through tragedy, personal struggles or out of the blue philisophical wrestlings, doubt can still hit them. But the thing is, they want to believe. Doubt is aggravating for them.

The other is doubt that is caused by those who want to justify their sin. Unwilling to deal with it, they start to rationalise many aspects of God’s character, the nature of the Bible etc., and allow doubt to lead them where they wish to go, free from accountability to God.

While merely anecdotal, I have found that the former normally come through the darkness, changed, but holding fast to Christ. The latter apostasize.

So if you are facing doubt today, ask yourself which category are you in? If the latter, then repent, and seek out the greater story that promises something far better than what you are ultimately selling your faith out for. If the former, then take heart. Christ does not want to see your faith destroyed. Knowing the sin, shame and darkness that Peter would face, Jesus said that he himself was praying for Peter that his faith would not fail! What a thought. He is the one who will sustain our faith. But more on that at a later date…

I might share my own story a bit more fully at some other point, but I’ve recently been thinking about three things that helped me to, slowly, lead my heart out of that dark chasm that I crawled through for an entire year of my life. I will give each a separate post. Let me first point out that there are no magic bullets, nor (I would contend) should we want any. Someday I will share about how the Lord is using these times in the lives of his beloved ones, and it is for good, but that is not what we often feel in the midst of doubt. So if the following three posts are not the answers we need, then what are they? They are ammunition. Under the duress of doubt, the heart falters and struggles to rise to believe anything with certainty. We need to provide it with all the artillery possible, to push back the battle lines and give our aching hearts the chance to have a breather, to recuperate just long enough to rise and fight again. These posts are ammunition for that battle.

I pray that you will find these encouraging, but most of all, I pray that at the end of the long tunnel, you would emerge into the light, limping but not bitter, wounded but thankful, for the night that gives birth to a greater dawn.

“Oh night that guided me, oh night more lovely than the dawn,

Oh night that joined Beloved with lover, Lover transformed in the beloved.”

– from “The Dark Night of the Soul” by St John of the Cross

Dealing with Doubt Part 1: The World as it Ought to Be

Dealing with Doubt Part 2: The World as Best it Could Be

Dealing with Doubt Part 3: The World As I’ve Seen It