The World As I’ve Seen It

Dealing With Doubt – Part 3

I’ve seen too many faces
All shining like the sun
I’ve seen too many skies on fire
Like the face of the Holy One

I’ve seen too many eyes wide open
That once were so blind
All burning with the beauty of the same love
The same love that opened mine.

This is the final post I’ll make for now on how the Lord slowly brought me out of the darkness of doubt, into the light of a better faith. There is much more that could be said about what led to the doubt, other things that helped, and the end results, but maybe they can wait for a future time.

I mentioned in the last two posts how part of the struggle was coming to see Christianity as the best story of explanation, and then how Puddleglum made me understand that it was also the best story, even in the case that it was false. The final part of this particular chain of thinking, is somewhat more experiential.

There was no one moment, no one day, where doubt dissipated. It was more like the slow passing of a fog, that gradually grows less dense until at last it gives way to the blue sky once more. There is no sudden change, just a slow process that somehow ends up in the light. Nonetheless, if there was one day that I had to point to as the biggest victory in the battle for my heart, it was the day I wrestled with one undeniable fact; a truth locked away in a vault, that no assault from the hellish forces could breach; I had been changed.

Even if the Bible ended up being unreliable, I had been changed. Even if all the other Christians I knew were falsifying their conversions, changing a bit on the outside, nonetheless, I had been changed. Even if there were many questions I could not answer, nor would like the answer to, I had been changed.

The reality is that there was a day when Dónal was an angry, hating, lustful, 17 year old. And the next day he was not. There was a day when he did not think about the things of God at all, when he had plans for his own life, when he never picked up a Bible. The next day he only cared about God’s will, about reading God’s Word. Something happened that day that released the power of vice in his life and set him on a new path. Something happened that day that had filled him with a joy and peace beyond comparison.

This put a real stumbling block in the way of doubt. This change couldn’t be explained by the simple passing of time and growing in maturity. It happened in a moment, in a day. It couldn’t even be explained by the coercion or manipulation of others, for in my case there was no one who led me to the Lord – I was reading a book. And again, it was not a book filled with arguments that might win me over intellectually, it was a book about people’s lives. Christian’s lives. No matter what way I sliced it, there was no other explanation for that single momentary event that changed the course of my life forever. Doubt could attack from all sides, but it couldn’t explain it away.

And what had caused this change? A simple cry for help to God, and a trusting in Jesus Christ. No coercion, no arguments, no long, slow road to belief. I cried to Jesus, and I was changed. Swimming in a sea of doubt, with no shore in sight, and waves tossed high, this was the hand that stuck itself out to me, when I trusted in Jesus my life was changed. Even if all else proved false, this was true.

Now, I know that many people facing doubt cannot pinpoint a moment of conversion like my story. Perhaps this even adds to your anxiety because you can’t! But allow me to make two points about this:

Firstly, I said to myself, “even if everyone I know is faking the change, I am not”. But the reality that I knew, even then, was that the chances of absolutely everyone faking a story about being changed, were highly unlikely. Some yes, but I knew that millions would say the same as me. I was just putting a high-stakes attitude on it. Even if you can’t point to a conversion moment, then take this testimony, take the testimony of many others, and see if it can all be explained away. This is more than the Puddleglum theory, that Christian thought is good for the world. This is people who you know, who have been absolutely transformed. Don’t ignore that.

Secondly, it was not only my story of conversion that helped me. That was the beginning, and the most undeniable fact. But I sat that day and recounted the changes in my life, in my affections, in my victory over many sins. The was a list of changes that are contrary to the normal human experience without an outside Actor. As with the first post, the best answer to this story was the one the Bible told. Look at your life. Can you explain it all away?

This is the story of the blind man in John 9. He didn’t have all the answers even to the recent events of his own life, much less to the nature of Jesus. That didn’t stop him proclaiming what he did know.

“Whether he is a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see…

Why this is an amazing thing! You do not know where he comes from, and yet he opened my eyes!”

– John 9:25 & 30

Our shade-throwing friend could sit and laugh at the ridiculous nature of the questions surrounding him. The Pharisees are a bit like doubt, throwing every possible question at the scenario, trying by any means to break it down or prove it as false. No questions, arguments or witnesses can attack this argument though. There were many unexplained things, there were many unanswered questions. But the thing that cynicism could not touch was the reality of what happened to this man. His eyes were opened.

Epilogue

There remains much to be said on the topic of doubt. But enough has been said for now. However, I offer one final encouragement. One of the lessons that I learned in my weakness was this; I cannot hold onto God at all. I believed this before, but now I knew it. Like Job, I had heard with my ears, but now I saw with my eyes my own frailty.

A couple of months ago this song came on in the car and broke me down in tears. I had not heard it before and as I listened to the words I lifted weeping worship to my God. Here was a weak man, who had doubted so much, who could not by himself hold onto his faith at all, who yet loved God. The fact that I love him today does not testify to the strength of my love, but the unfailing hand of God who keeps me believing day by day. As Jesus said to Peter, he himself prays that our faith would not fail. The fact that we believe is all of him. The fact that we want to believe while we struggle with doubt is itself an act of faith. And he will sustain us.